


New Year's Eve (or, Tony Learns To Knock. Loudly.)

by Lyona



Series: 5 Times [2]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5 Times Mini-Sequel, Canonically Bisexual Tony Stark Fight Me, F/M, M/M, Midnight Kisses Are Weak af - Wade Wilson, Pepper Knows Everything, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Tony Lives Don't Worry, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Wade Helps, and peter is going to make it go into cardiac arrest, not super explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 15:34:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15367743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyona/pseuds/Lyona
Summary: That post-5 times mini-fic I said I wasn't going to do but here we are.Don't try to tell me Tony is a calm parent.





	New Year's Eve (or, Tony Learns To Knock. Loudly.)

“Where’s Peter?” Pepper asks, her voice raised over the blaring television and the excited shouts of their friends as the New Year’s ball begins its descent in Times Square. It’s kind of a shame that Tony - somewhat petulantly - sold the Tower, they would’ve had a great view.

Tony looks around for his pseudo-son, who should be much easier to find in the stupidly tall crowd considering his growth spurt. He doesn’t see him or hear any of his excited shrieking. Or Wade, who he last saw getting stick-on glitter tattoos from Scott’s daughter - and aspiring tattoo artist - Cassie. Wade was fervently supportive of her career choice, and volunteered immediately to buy her tattooing supplies. At that point Scott expertly distracted her with a less terrifying alternative, a glass of champagne, while Peter distracted Wade with candy.

“Don’t know!” Tony shouts back. Pepper gestures at the hallway to the bedrooms lamely, distracted by the sight of Lila Barton holding little Nathaniel, who’s laughing as she tickles him.

“Go find him,” she says, “he’s going to miss the countdown, May wants pictures!”

May was extremely sad she couldn’t make the party, and Tony thinks it has more to do with losing the chance to kiss Thor at midnight than anything else, but she has a date with some guy from work. Who Peter and Tony did a thorough background search on. He turned up squeaky-clean.

 _“Too_ clean,” Wade had said _._ “Super lame. Like, steal a flashy car or something, rob a TGI Friday’s, live a little.” The guy got Peter Approved despite Wade’s protests, so no Thor kisses for Aunt May. Tragic, really.

Tony’s gaze follows Pepper’s and lingers for a second on the squealing, happy kids again, smiling delightedly. He can’t resist pressing an early kiss to her lips and a discrete hand to her stomach, a sappy grin on his face, before darting off in search of his “first born.”

“Pete!” he shouts as he wanders off toward the boy’s room, the noise from the party drowning out his words. “Hey, Pete, you’re gonna miss the drop! Wilson!”

Tony starts jogging as he hears the final countdown, fiddling with the sparkly, cheap New Year’s sunglasses Lila and Wade - mostly Wade, entirely Wade - forced on everyone. He reaches Peter’s door, his shouts or any responses deafened. He opens the door, letting out a huff of annoyance as the irritating sunglasses fall off his face. He picks them up off the floor, looks up and -

Peter is pressed up against the wide, floor-length mirror, his legs thrown over Wade’s shoulders, a hand clinging to the wall, while his other grips Wade’s blond hair, tugging hard as he pants. Wade’s head bobs between Peter’s legs, holding him up with a firm grip on his hip, his free hand moving indecently behind Peter. Blessedly Wade’s body obscures most of his view, and the mirror is pretty foggy, but because the universe has it out for Tony, it’s just clear enough that he knows exactly what’s going on back there.

Tony chokes on air, clutching the doorknob.

“...Three! Two! One!” Everyone cheers.

Tony Stark does not.

“What the _fuck!?”_

The boys’ heads snap towards him in unison. Wade’s eyes widen in unspeakable horror as Peter lets out a mortified shriek, bracing his feet on Wade’s shoulders and launching himself up, up and away, fleeing to the relative safety of the ceiling. The force of Peter's launch throws Wade across the floor, where he immediately scrambles for something to cover his junk.

Tony blinks rapidly and briefly stares up at Peter - or maybe God, asking _why me_ \- before he really processes what he’s seen and is still seeing and clenches his eyes shut, letting out a very manly squawk of every negative emotion.

“Oh my _God!”_ Tony bellows, slapping his face inadvertently as he covers his eyes. He tries to reprimand them as any responsible pseudo-parent would, but all that comes out are repulsed noises he didn’t know he could make, and some cursing that might not be in English. He’s too focused on trying to will himself unconscious to be entirely sure, but he thinks so. He apparently inherited his mother’s tendency to lapse into hysterical Italian at moments such as this.

Tony keeps his hands over his eyes as he turns and blindly flees, banging into the wall but continuing to rush away without pausing. He can faintly hear Peter hissing at Wade.

“ _Wade!_ I knew keeping lube here was -"

At ‘ _lube’_ Tony abandons his mission to become blind and clamps his hands over his ears, cursing loudly as he jogs away.

Suddenly he’s back in the main room, everyone looking at him like he’s grown a second head. Pepper looks way too amused, watching his breakdown with that eerie, all-knowing look of hers on her face. Steve stands and makes his way to him, eyebrows raised in a questioning, somewhat concerned way. Tony shudders.

“Pete - Wade. Oh my _God_ , ugh!  _Ew!_ Fuck, I will never unsee that, ugh, _cosa fatto io per meritarmi questo_ \- fucking -" he locks eyes with Steve, who looks far, far too entertained for Tony’s liking.

 _“You!”_ Steve quirks an eyebrow, opening his stupid, smirking mouth. “Go deal with this! I _cannot_ \- I have a heart condition -” Tony grasps and flexes his arm, eyes wild. He scowls viciously when Steve smiles wider at his expense. Clint cackles delightedly, expertly covering both Cooper and Nate’s ears at once. Tony makes a mental note to exact horrible vengeance.

“God, I need to bleach my damn eyes -" he gestures wildly at the doorway, “Steve, _do something!_ I am not equipped to deal with this!” Natasha arches a brow demurely at him, standing behind Steve and casually sipping a martini as if this isn’t a big deal - a massive, horrible big deal.

“The tabloids predating 2008 would say otherwise,” she deadpans. Wanda laughs, starting to say something about _a certain video_ with Tiberius Stone - and _no thank you,_ Tony has almost successfully repressed that particular mortifying memory. He cuts her off with an involuntary strangled sound, words being his intention.

“Not now!” he manages. “My faux son was just defiled in front of my own two eyes and I am a light breeze away from stroking out, I swear to -" he stops to glare viciously at Steve, who’s biting on his lower lip in an unsuccessful attempt to stifle his laughter. “Go! Go, go, protector of American morality! The human chastity belt of our youths! This is _your_ job, Rogers!” Steve smiles placatingly at him.

“He’s _your_  faux son, what did you expect, Tony?” Tony opens his mouth to scream, since none of them seem to understand the horrors he has witnessed this day, when he sees Clint chortling in his peripheral, phone held up.

“Barton, put that fucking phone down, this is not a Hallmark card moment!”

**Author's Note:**

> this is so dumb but i had fun woot woot
> 
> Tony's hysterical Italian: what did i do to deserve this
> 
> flash forward: don't worry tony isn't the only one who suffers, clint fires arrows with condoms tied on at wade and peter for a good long while
> 
> \---  
> also THE STARK BABY:  
> \- in my U they don't name the baby morgan because eccentric uncle morgan potts got arrested for rioting against the movie grease (which i agree with and do not understand why we have not done that yet) right before but tony was immensely entertained by it so they agreed it would still be his middle name. and, of course, they named him after his other uncle, rhodey <3  
> \--- so, James Morgan Stark (who they call jamie because peter and wade felt james was too serious a name for a baby that small and cute) - tony agreed, since he was in fact a perfect very small stupidly cute baby and cries like every day when jamie does anything  
> \- in my uni they only plan for the one baby but the stark’s are mad thirsty (as we know) and have an accidental and spoiled rotten baby girl a bit later ~~~ Maria Collins Stark  
> \- (middle is one of granny maria’s two maiden names…canonically confusing can’t tell if there’s like one MCU one and one 616 but collins is pretty so)


End file.
